The Shame we Hold as Women
The Grail: Katie Lloyd
And what stops us from healing
I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently because in my line of work it crops up, a lot. It seems to me that we hold the energy pattern of shame right at the core of our very being – in the pelvic bowl, in the vagina, in the cervix, anus, rectum & pelvic floor muscles, where it sits insidiously, weighing us down, clouding our clarity and keeping us disconnected from this place of our own true, authentic power. It keeps us apart from ourselves, and it keeps us apart from each other – that is its’ nature. It’s a separator.
When I share with women that I am a Holistic Pelvic Care™ practitioner, working with the Pelvic Bowl through intra vaginal massage & energy reading (You can find out more about the therapy HERE), as a rule, I get 3 kinds of reactions
a) “That is amazing, I so need this!!”
b) “What if I get sexually turned on?!”
c) “That’s disgusting, just urgh, how could they, and how could YOU?”
Well, generally the women that come to see me, even though they may experience fear & anxiety about coming & what to expect, they also know instinctively that this is what they need & they are ready to push through the fear and do it anyway. They intuitively know that we are going to be delving (!) into places where they have chosen not to go or disconnected from or know they are holding onto some deep level trauma + it’s time to let that go. And the feedback from these women continues to astound me – more creativity; calmness; lightness; juiciness; a coming home; a sadness that they never knew that we could journey and befriend this sacred space; the release of the emotions behind traumatic events (sexual trauma/birth trauma/abusive relationship); improvements in vaginal pain, interstitial cystitis and prolapse. There is joy and lots of Aha’s, “If only I had known, if only I had been told…… “
A common theme is the sadness around giving away their power by the act of non-consensual sex at a young age when we knew no better, or how they have failed to honour and understand this most sacred of places. But the fact is, we didn’t know, we didn’t have this information, we were never told because our mothers didn’t know, and their mothers didn’t know. Only now are we coming to learn and understand the sheer power that is ours if only we check in and take heed. But we can feel the shame from this none the less.
And for those women who are worried that they might get turned on, this is yet to be an experience for me, but, there is always a possibility for anything to happen I imagine. The comment does intrigue continues to intrigue me though.
To reassure ~ this is NOT a yoni massage, it’s not about sensual/sexual touch (although there is true beauty in it for sure), but you could say it is about consensual touch. If you imagine the vagina as the face of a clock ~ the area that is worked is from 11 o’clock and sweeping anticlockwise to 1 o’clock ~ hence no G spot activation 🙂 Clients have however reported an increase in the sex drive and enjoyment with their partners, but that’s got to be good, right?
My gloved left index finger waits to be called in. She doesn’t assert herself, on occasion she must verbally ask for permission to enter. Its feels as if she is drawn in and “called” to work by the fascia, the yoni, where there is tension and tightness. We have misunderstood the delicacy of this tissue and how much she holds onto, as do our wombs.
So, we may have emotionally or mentally processed a trauma to this sacred space, but the tissue is still holding onto the pattern. We may have given our sovereignty away so many times ~ from the fumbled penetration in our youth to pap/smear tests, to the insertion of a coil when you were never ready, or even willing, to any internal examination that you have experienced in anything but a loving, respectful way. And yet, when it comes to the release of this energy, we are maybe not quite ready to stand fully in our power and handle the responsibility that might entail. We are being offered the antidote to these events in our lives as we awaken our own pelvic medicine woman, “SHE” who is all knowing, seeing, feeling & non-judgemental. But still the shame may hold us back.
And for those that think it’s disgusting, I ask you this. Why would a loving, nurturing touch that is there to hold and to heal be so awful, so disgusting, so repulsive? It’s interesting to pause for just one moment here. What Is being triggered? What are the voices in your head saying? Accusing? Degrading, making you feel less than? How we have been bought up in our tribes/communities and families can play a pivotal role in how we feel about ourselves and what forms acceptable and non-acceptable behaviour. For example, do you feel comfortable with your body, with its’ bodily function of waste removal? Are you comfortable about your menstrual cycle or have you been led to believe that these processes are intrinsically dirty? Have you looked at your vagina, have you self-pleasured without guilt? Have you been made to feel less than by a partner just short of abusive, who denigrated the power of Woman and made you feel grateful for the crumbs that were thrown your way? I say this not in judgement but in solidarity because for most women, some or all of this will ring true ~ myself included. The fact is we hold so much shame around these processes and our bodies when we have been led to feel they are dirty and these things are NOT to be talked about. They are taboo, and the taboo holds us from being fully present and aware in this space. And you could say that they are an intrinsic part of a patriarchal society that benefits from keeping women apart from each other as well from themselves, by encouraging competition with each other in the looks and business world. To divide is to conquer and for sure we have been divided from ourselves and from each other. When we are rooted, there is no competition, there is just sisterhood.
And then there is I think shame about what will be found in the space. Are you ready or even willing to go to this place, are you ready to heal? The energy of sorrow & guilt of being touched inappropriately by the father of a friend, of a past termination, of miscarriage, of birthing trauma, of abusive relationship or the myriad of “micro” traumas that over the years have solidified into shut-down. But I am here to say, its not the “scale” of the trauma, its how that event felt to us, nobody else. Shame keeps us disconnected and shame keeps us small – it leaves no room for healing, for discussion, for personal growth. And it leaves no room for value, how we may value our worth, and value our healing, but that’s a tale for another day.
So, I just wanted to share, that we can move beyond the shame, we can be more grounded, we can be free, we can walk tall, we can become more embodied. And it just starts with the willingness to look within and feel into the space and see what you are holding that is ready to be released
With Love and Deep Respect for your Journey Dear Sister x
I offer one to one Holistic Pelvic Care™ sessions in my clinic or Skype/Zoom sessions for those who are unable to access in person. With these sessions, the intention is somewhat different, there is NO internal work and we work with energy reading, visualisation & breath. Email me on: firstname.lastname@example.org to book, connect or chat x